Things I'm Seeing Without You - Peter Bognanni

October 29- December 11 Seventeen-year-old Tess Fowler has just dropped out of high school. She can barely function after learning of Jonah’s death. Jonah, the boy she’d traded banter with over texts and heartfelt e-mails. Jonah, the first boy she'd told she loved and the first boy to say it back. Jonah, the boy whose suicide she never saw coming. Tess continues to write to Jonah, as a way of processing her grief and confusion. But for now she finds solace in perhaps the unlikeliest of ways: by helping her father with his new alternative funeral business, where his biggest client is . . . a prized racehorse? As Tess’s involvement in her father’s business grows, both find comfort in the clients they serve and in each other. But love, loss, and life are so much more complicated than Tess ever thought. Especially after she receives a message that turns her life upside down.

Review : This book was beautiful and sad Tess's boyfriend Jonah killed himself and she's not doing very well she's dropped out of school moved in with her dad and then she finds out to the end of Jonah's end that his roommate was msg her which she was hurt about . Her dad and her are doing this special funeral business and Jonah's roommate vists her and they talk and decide to plan Jonah's funeral . This book made me cry cause it talked about anxiety and I could relate and if you've ever lost someone you should read this book . They end up in italy and do Jonahs funeral which made me cry and the roomate and tess part ways and start writing letters it was beautiful.

Quotes:

 

You can't just run away from your grief . you have to deal with it head on . no matter how difficult and strange it is . we both took a drink of coffee. There are no shortcuts she said . you have to do the hard stuff before it gets any easier.

I want you to take your picture and send it to me 
Its a little dark
Turn on a light , genius 
Should I send it to you now
I'm going to hang up , I said , and then you're going to send it to me . But there's one last thing .
What ?
I want you to be naked in the picture .
More silence 
Its only fair . I think you know that .
I didn't wait for a response . I just ended the call. And I fully expected that he would call right back and try to argue his way out of it . But he didn't do that . And as time passed at this rate about an hour per second, I wondered maybe if it was better if he didn't do it 
It would give me a chance to break contact , to prove that he never really wanted to be on even ground with me .
What does a true liar do , after all , when you ask him to stand naked .

so what's the point of what we do ? I asked if we can't provide that. 
Well... He said . He handed me a napkin for my tears. Maybe part of its just to reaffirm to people.
Reaffirm what ?
He looked away and scratched his chin , covered in black and gray stubble . Then he met my eyes again , and for once he didnt look like a sad clown . He looked serious .
that we don't need as much closure as we think we do .


I'm scared that I don't matter , even a little bit and no one matters and nothing matters . I'm scared that it all matters and I'm fucking it up . I'm scared I'm living my short short life wrong in every possible way . I'm scared I've already made so many mistakes and I dont have enough time to fix them . I'm scared I won't die with the slightest amount of dignity ,like on the toilet or watching bravo . I'm scared no one will care when I do . I'm scared that the only person I ever loved wasn't real . I'm scared I will never get over him . And I'm scared I'm making the same mistake again.